What Your Milk Choice Says About You

Without further ado, here’s what your milk choice says about you. 

Almond Milk 

The NURTURER

PERSONALITY TRAITS: Warm, friendly and a really good listener 

GROCERY STORE: Die-hard Costco shopper 

HOBBIES: Long, romantic walks with Buddy, your golden retriever 

FAVORITE SOCIAL MEDIA APP: Instagram is number one, but Facebook is a close second 

COFFEE ORDER: Vanilla latte with almond milk, no foam 

Probably the most common milk alternative out there. It’s a pretty basic choice. No hate, just basic. Let’s just say if you’re picking almond milk, your Costco membership renews yearly, and all your outdoor furniture is curated off the Costco display model. 

You used to joke about plant-based vegans a few years ago, but now you’re trying to hop on the trend. Every time you make your Keurig coffee with a splash of Costco almond milk, it’s making an appearance on your Instagram. Grid photos only, though. 

For those days when you don’t feel like dealing with the Costco crowd, give homemade almond milk a go with our recipe. 

Homemade Vanilla Almond Milk Recipe 

1. Soak 2 cups of raw almonds for 24 hours 
2. Drain water and blend with 8 cups fresh water and 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 
3. Strain through a nut milk bag (or strainer) into a bowl 
4. Transfer into a sealed container and store for up to 1 week 

Oat Milk and/or Hemp Milk

THE ARTIST 

PERSONALITY TRAITS: Positive, avoids conflict and appreciates the little things in life 

GROCERY STORE: Whole Foods, Wegmans or Erewhon (depending on whether you’re in LA or NY) 

HOBBIES: Taste-testing the Nobu menu 

FAVORITE SOCIAL MEDIA APP: None. Social media rots the brain 

COFFEE ORDER: Three-shot espresso over ice, with a splash of oat milk 

For the expert-level milk alternative drinkers only. You’re over almond milk and would never drink 2% again. Please, like your plant-based diet would allow it. You only drink shots of espresso from your manual Breville machine because the plastic pods are wasteful and bad for the environment. 

You enjoy hour-long spin classes on your Peloton or a morning SoulCycle Beverly Hills class where you may or may not ride next to Beyoncé. When you’re not in LA, you’re spending the summers at your East Hampton house or vacationing in the South of France (Beyoncé sighting likely there as well).  

Delish Cinnamon Oat Milk Latte Recipe 

1. Blend 1 cup of oat milk and cinnamon until the texture is frothy, creamy perfection 
2. Brew 2-3 shots of espresso over ice 
3. Top with the frothy oat milk and sprinkle more cinnamon on top 

Soy Milk 

THE VISIONARY 

PERSONALITY TRAITS: Witty, fun-loving but a little risky with money 

GROCERY STORE: Trader Joe’s 

HOBBIES: Creating Pinterest boards of trips you’ll never take 

FAVORITE SOCIAL MEDIA APP: Pinterest, duh 

COFFEE ORDER: Caramel Frappuccino 

You’re just trying to fit in with this whole “no-dairy” trend. You’re not fully on board, but you’re trying. Trader Joe’s had it in the refrigerator section next to your usual half-and-half creamer, so you decided to give it a go. But the hemp milk at Whole Foods just takes it a little too far. 

You don’t really like the taste of coffee but the caramel drizzle in your frap makes it tolerable. It’s your go-to order, even in the winter — though mittens are required. 

Homemade Frap Idea 

1. Blend 2 cups of ice, coffee and soy milk until smooth 
2. For extra sweetness, add some caramel syrup 
3. Pour into a glass and enjoy! 

 Dairy Milk 

THE CONSTANT 

PERSONALITY TRAITS: Committed, loves deeply but needs praise and affirmation from others 

GROCERY STORE: Publix 

HOBBIES: Showing off your grandkids 

FAVORITE SOCIAL MEDIA APP: Facebook because you don’t understand the other ones 

COFFEE ORDER: Medium coffee with milk, no sugar 

You don’t mess around with those weird milks the kids are having these days. They shouldn’t even be considered milk — they are nuts. But somehow your granddaughter is always on FaceTime trying to convince you to try it. She always talks about how it’s healthy, more organic and better for the environment. 

But you’re not really listening. You’re just trying to figure out how to turn the camera around to show her how well the tomatoes in your garden are doing. It’s a ploy to convince her to come to sauce day and carry on the family tradition. You’re guessing around 100 jars of tomato sauce this year and can’t wait to show it off to your friends with a 500-picture album on Facebook.  

No Milk

*Gasp*

Black coffee drinkers are old-school and straight to the point. You don’t have time to mess around with that coconut milk mocha or vanilla sweet cream cold foam fluff. You’re probably from Manhattan, Philly, Boston or some other city in the Northeast where coffee on the go is the only option. 

You want that caffeine boost ASAP and if the barista butchers your simple order, it’s game over. You’re clearly busy finishing up that [insert project here] you’ve been working on for the last 5-10 years. 

 Black Coffee Recipe (this one is really tricky, barista pros only) 

1. Brew coffee 
2. Pour into mug 
3. Voila!